TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: present Anyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should really end using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a element being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make Trump Tower Damascus of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even include:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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